I may have misled you a little here. Unfortunately, I have never read 'How to be cool in the third grade' but I do feel, that in not doing so, I have missed out a little on my primary (secondary?) education. Perhaps someone can tell me if there are any thrilling sequels to this title? Maybe… How to be cool in the 4th grade?

I was racking my brains, you see, a little earlier this humid evening, trying to think of a long book that is worth reading. I could only come up with the usual, you know… Lord of the Rings etc which seemed like a pretty lame reply to me.

I suddenly had this thought, 'I wonder what the hell the longest book ever written was???' After nearly choking on a slice of toast, stubbing my toes (yes that's right, not just one bloody toe) on the door frame, I skidded into my seat in front of the laptop and consulted our super-reliable friends at Wikipedia.

It turns out that this is not just a simple case of counting words? In fact, what is a word? Well, apparently this depends upon which country you are in. While word and character figures are common standard, word and character become interchangeable depending on the language used, you see.

So for example, each letter in Korean represents a syllable, whereas in English a group of letters represents a syllable.

The end result? The korean's aren't going to win the longest novel award because with less syllables they use less words.

Try this google search http://tinyurl.com/ndzhno just to see how many different 'winners' there are of the longest book ever written award. Quite amazing.

The highlights include:

Yongle Dadian: a encyclopedia written during the Ming Dynasty (started in 1403 apparently) consisting of over 370 milliion Chinese characters; and

The Story of the Vivian Girls by Henry Darger: an iIllustrated fantasy novel manuscript typed single-spaced with 15,145 pages in 10 volumes.

My personal favourite though is this little chap: Marienbad My Love

Check him out here: http://tinyurl.com/5gbht4

This is a free eBook you can download about a journalist-turned-filmmaker who is convinced that he must bring about the end of the world by producing a new science fiction film. Thrilling plot you'll agree! Chances are you won't get through to the end since it is 17 million words long!

Check the comments tab as well for a quick giggle.

…suppose I'd better answer the question now really… erm …ooooooh I don't know, I'm not that impressive when it comes to reading!

Hot chocolate. Bed. Good night.

I love curry. Do you?

Probably my favourite of all time is the Chicken Tikka Dhansak, an absolute gem of a dish. Lentils and pineapple sloshing about all over the place; absolutely fantastic.

Yummy yummy tummy.

But, if i'm saving for anything it is this little fella:

http://tinyurl.com/qbudp3

- check him out. Now that is a curry and a HALF.

By golly! What an expensive night out that would be.

Fancy it?

The map shows my pilgrimage from Leeds to Manchester (an earth shattering 42 miles) to see Oasis a couple of years ago.

Unfortunately, I am a real fan of the compact disc, downloads and the DVD. Call me sad and boring, but standing in the middle of 80,000 people on a football pitch while cups of urine are tossed into the air really isn't my cup of tea.

Having said that, it was the most awesome live gig I have ever experienced in my life. EVERYBODY was high on the sound. People were shoving about, sing their hearts out, dancing, prancing, singing some more. It was absolutely fantastic.

The trip home was even more worthwhile. Tesco, down the road from the station in Manchester, opens up especially to pick up the extra business…

BIG MISTAKE! A sunny July day? Drinking from 2 in the afternoon? Yeah right… as if anybody is going to pay for their shopping. The whole place erupted into a make shift restaurant as people simply emptied the shelves of food. Everything, and I mean bloody everything, that was edible was quoffed within minutes of the place opening.

The only bad thing was… I didn't get any club card points for all my munching efforts…

Nevermind. Great band though.

As a youngster, I used to put my foot in it all the bloody time. I don’t really know what was wrong with me. It wasn’t that I put my foot in it in an embarrasing kind of way; but, I used to lie like anybody’s business. This generally works a treat until you forget what you’ve told someone. It is a this point you realise that your are in a whole host of trouble. AH! To be a Kid.

Right, now I should really be reeling off an example of my follies. Something that would crack you up, perhaps even send you to bed with an enormously big smirk on your face…

“I remember the time when I did this…!”

“Oh! Yeah! Get this… how funny!”

The truth is I can’t. Because usually ‘my foot-in-mouth moments’ were at the expense of others.

I am ashamed of how I used to be.

We live and learn.

Who’s driving, me? No way, man!

What do you mean you’ve got weak wrists and can’t shift the gear stick?

Oh come on! Man up, you big jessy!

What you compalining for now for?

What! Your frightened of steering wheels! Oh for f*$ks sake! Out the way!

I’m driving!

But, I have these funny traits…

Narcolepsy
Luckily, we’ll be alright this time since I’m driving. But if i’m in the passenger seat, oh dear, engine on and…

ZONK! Out for the count.

It seems that everyime I get in anything with four wheels that moves I seem to fall asleep nowadays.

Anyone else give that?

This generally annoys the hell out of whoever is driving the car.

I am sure you’ll be very pleased to hear though, that I manage to keep those little eyes open when I’m behind the wheel. So feel free to drop me line anytime if you need a lift anywhere.

You need to bear in mind though that If you live outside of the Berkshire, England you will have to pay for my ticket to get to you. I know this seems a little backward but unfortunately my teleportation-taxi currently has a handbrake fault.

And, they told me they’d fixed it last time…

If i’m driving, we’re listening to Oasis, sunshine
Top band, top driving tunes – shame the Gallagher brothers are a pair of pillocks.

Best track to listen to whilst red-lining the Clio?

What’s the story (morning glory) by miles…

I need diet Coke!
Well you get thirsty don’t you?

Boo hooooo. This song reminds me of better times in Leeds.

Don’t you think it is funny how we associate past memories with certain things?

I hadn’t heard this song for well over two years until the other day and it reduced me to a dithering mess.

How sad.

However, on the bright side… it was a bloody good time to be around though!

Silly bugger

No.

Ready for a quick party? Better hurry, the clock is ticking…

Coz I’m there now and the bar is still open…

See you soon…

Round round get around I get around.

In fact, may I suggest that you should all travel in the following ways…

1). Like Dave Freeman in Flight of the Navigator.

You have at your disposal your own, personal, big fat shiny alien ship that will not only get you from A to B but, rather fantastically, drag you through space and time. This means you can fly from London to Paris and not age a sausage! Marvellous!

2). Like Scott Howard in Teenwolf.

Handstand you way, on top of a spruced up wagon, to victory. You will annoy your Dad doing this though (it’s okay mind… he’s a werewolf too. Sneaky bugger!)

Oh hell. It’s got work written all over it. I’m chilling out in Scotland at the moment, supposed to be on Holiday except I’m having to deal with extremely difficult Grandparents… HELP!

And to top it all off… I get sent a dream about work.

Do you ever think you actually leave the office? Chasing you, that email that you put off sending before you left to go away…

Bring on Monday morning. You’ll show them who is boss. Bloody dream.